Recap Of Joseline’s Cabaret Atlanta Episode Five: “You Got Me Fvcked Up”

I’m back to recap the fifth episode of “Joseline’s Cabaret Atlanta” appearing on Zeus Network. Once again let me remind all of the Joseline Hernandez fans, if you are watching “Joseline’s Cabaret Atlanta” you are in luck because I am recapping each episode this season but if you haven’t started watching the fifth episode yet, click off because this is the recap and it is full of spoilers.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, let’s get to the recap of episode five. Ready? Let’s get started…….

Episode Five: “You Got Me Fvcked Up”

The episode starts as it always does, right? We see what happened the previous week and we get the intro to Joseline’s song, “Live Your Best Life” and yes, by now this is the jam!

I’m over here, “Do it like it’s my B-day” lol. Are you singing along too? I think The Puerto Rican Princess has another hit on her hands cause baby…..its infectious.

Anyway, we are now witnessing the fall out of Big Lex rushing Aqua on the unprovoked half of Joseline. Who is she the enforcer?

Why didn’t Lucky rush Aqua? Proof that Lucky is not a fighter so she is the perfect Cabaret Captain. Lucky is more of a lover than a fighter.

But Big Lex is about that life. We see her pulling Aqua’s wig off like a pro. Just in case you had your wig sewed in and glued down, that piece was coming off eventually the way Big Lex was pulling it.

Where’s the “Gorilla Glue” when you need it, right ladies?

Somebody is in the background screaming “Lex! Lex!” As her and Aqua flail around on the floor as the fight is being broken up. Neither one of them have on a wig and neither one of them are backing down. Aqua is ushered to a room and is physically blocked by security while she yells threats at Big Lex.

Let that be a lesson to you Blue Face Barbie. Big Lex ran up on Aqua and they fought. And she meant every threat and was prepared to back it up. She wasn’t pretending to be held back, security was really preventing her from charging Big Lex.

And she looks like she was in a fight. Her wig is off, as well as torn off fingernails. She was either jumping back up, pushing against security,or swinging over security because she wasn’t cool with being dropped to the floor, so take notes. With ya wack ass, but I’m moving on.

Yummy P says she is too expensive to act that cheap. Chiiiile, who knew instead of side eyeing Yummy P, we should have been looking at Aqua all along.

This lady is cray, cray just keep reading…

Big Lex is being blocked on one side of the room and Aqua is on the other as they hurl insults at each other because they are both being restrained.

Another lesson to you Blue Face Barbie, when after the fight with Lucky she stopped arguing, it’s because she let her hands speak for her instead. With ya wack ass, but this time I am really moving on…

Aqua sees security has eased up on her a little. They shouldn’t of cut her no slack either because as soon as she saw an opening she darted past her day-dreaming captor, and sprinted at Big Lex. She rushed her with a hand and a leg at the same time.

Lol.

They are at it again, no pulling hair, just straight blows, albeit slow ones, lol.

In her confessional Big Lex says you should never run in slow-motion with a punch and a kick. She said she simply waited until Aqua landed and then she dove on her.

Big Lex is hilarious, yawl. I cracked up.

They are put in the same scenario. They are being blocked from rushing each other, while trading insults, loudly across the room. They both are screaming about wigs. Joseline has had enough and she tells them they both lost their wigs, so stop it.

Did you see the look on Joseline’s face when she pointed across the room at Aqua and said, “ But you Aqua? You got me fvcked up tonight b***h.” Joseline looked like she had the devil in her, ha!

Joseline is cussing her out and telling her she was disappointed in her and despite Aqua being demon possessed herself, she doesn’t talk ANY of the talk that she slung Big Lex’s way just a few moments before.

Joseline means what she says when she said she will dog walk you. And she has proven time and time again that you will need a whole Army if you come for her.

So Aqua is softly agreeing and nodding her head in submission, because we all know if you as so much as cough, it’s off with your head. You better ask somebody who knows, huh Aqua lol. She is about to show you in a minute how to walk a ho all around the bootie club or the dance studio, whichever is clever, like a mutha effin dog. Take notes.

Last season Joseline complained that despite having the girl’s back and sticking up for them, they didn’t do the same in return. Big Lex got her back and you can tell it feels good to Joseline.

Aqua disrespectful ass is over here talking to security any ole type of way. She says she is getting her stuff and walking away from the house with according to her, “her dignity and pride….”

If you say so Aqua, “so I guess its back to the ghetto you go”, in my Michael Rapaport voice. Or should I say, back to the car you go. Girl stop it. Just apologize already. But she knows it’s too late because she is on Joseline’s list to be replaced.

Didn’t she tell yawl she could always get other girls?

Joseline is waiting for Aqua to be escorted out of the dance studio and she is venting to the girls about Aqua cause she cant believe she would just pass up an opportunity to change her life when she of all people needs a life change the most, and all because she didn’t want to apologize.

She says if yawl are going to keep giving up and leaving she might just have to put on a show by herself. Sapphire feels like only the strong survive so basically, tootles to the weak biahs.

Joseline asks Big Lex why did she go after Aqua, and Big Lex basically says she was doing her bidding and they had beef from the get go, so since she was leaving basically she could take this ass whoopin with her, just in case she doesn’t get the opportunity again.

You never know right?

And since her wig is already off, does anybody else have a problem with her or Joseline because they can get these hands…..

Leeeeeex….

You may want to calm down, you proved your point, let your hands speak for you. Aqua was fighting you back and yes you were handling your bidness but knock it off. You too dam big and slow to be lining up the fade with all the girls, I’m just saying.

Don’t be no fool. Joseline can take care of her dam self, keep it up and you will run across a old lady like me who might get a lucky lick in and then what? Lol.

Don’t get beside yourself because you proved your point. Yawl two were scrapping for real but nobody clearly won. But you can both whoop my ass so let’s move on…..

Now that all the problems are gone Joseline wants Big Lex to let it go and be peaceful. Mz Natural says what is going to happen next? We are wondering the same thing Mz. Natural. This show is a hot ass mess and we are all here for it. Ha!

Aqua is being blocked so she starts throwing shoes. Now,Aqua girl, let me warn you. What if the shoe accidently hits the wrong person? That’s always a possibility when you be on that punk ass b***h agenda.

Square up or leave it alone.

Big Lex is thinking up appropriate things to call Aqua in her confessional but it’s a challenge for her.

She calls Aqua, dry and says she is like wister or something. Lex, baby girl what is a wister? She says its water or something and then calls her Vaseline. The reads are just plain stupid and I was on the bed rolling!

Can somebody put in the comments what a wister is? Just in case my youngest calls me one. Ha!

Aqua says she would rather sleep at the airport and walk the track than stay in the house, and therein lies the problem but you too damaged to see it, dang!

They all get ready to go home. Joseline gives us the lesson of the day. Do you all have a pencil and pad ready just in case you want to take notes?

“At the end of the day when a girl gets out of line, walk them like a dog”.

Do you need me to repeat that? Did I go too fast? Let me give you some more time to write it all down. Got it? Good, now let’s move on.

Whew!

We next see Aqua’s deranged wig covered head and scrawny body, with her bags preparing to be driven somewhere it seems like the airport or something. Security is with her, deep, because this girl has several screws that are either loose or missing, for real.

She is upset that she didn’t get to fight Lex again. Smh, let it go.

She says she is the lovely young ripe age of 22.

What?!

Girl slow down you are having a hard life and it shows. Pray for Aqua yawl she is really far gone. Girl just go on and leave because despite trying to call people out for being childish…..

Meanwhile back at the crib…..

Big Lex is making a discovery in her bedroom. Aqua, stalker ass, done put all kinds of crap like, Hot Cheetos in her bed. Who is the childish one now Aqua?

You need your ass beat for acting like a mark ass coward and not waiting for the head up at the reunion……get out.

Get out now and return to the Subaru expeditiously, we were all rooting for you, dummy.

Foh.

She says she is about to level up. So you know what that means? No more Subaru’s for her. She is about to be sleeping out of Honda Civics, wait she will show us all!

Girl, shut up and kick rocks before we have Mz Natural come give you one of her Tekken kicks, ya dig? She tells us all eff yawl, well back at you, sis.

We don’t care so I am moving on….

Not only did she destroy the room she beat the dog mess out of one of the staff who was just trying to help her calm down.

WTH is wrong with Aqua, yawl? He has two black eyes, a bleeding face, a torn shirt etc….

Dude was big too, if he had of fought back he could of done damage. What?

Aqua is a mess. Now I can’t wait to see her at the reunion just so she could get told off for being a bully. Eff you Aqua. Good riddance cause you are a menace. You are an ungrateful, classless and uninspiring basket case. We all sick of you anyway.

It’s on sight according to Big Lex….ooooooh! I can’t wait for the reunion. I hope it has 5 parts too, one whole part for the ass whoopin she has coming, just kidding…..NOT! But for real, just kidding…..

Next the girls are sitting around in their lingerie and Joseline comes down in some kind of outfit. You know her style, yawl. On anybody else it would be a monstrosity but on her it works. It’s all feathery and extra as all get out.

Hold up, is that a veil on the back of her head?

She has a heart to heart with the girls after complimenting their see through cabaret attire…..

A side note, doesn’t Sapphire’s side pony look really cute on her?

They all open up to her and she is being nurturing in her own Puerto Rican way.

Aaaaaw Joseline really is doing God’s work.

At rehearsal later that night……

It’s the same set up as last time, they are about to do the chair routine. They all talk about last night and when they all told their dreams and aspirations to Joseline. They are surprised and impressed by some of the other girls dreams, hopes and aspirations. They see they are more similar than different.

Do you remember the dance steps and the CHOREOGRAPHY?

Well we about to see. And Joseline is in a jacket with stretch pants and tennis shoes so beware. Don’t get cute cause she got on comfortable dog walking gear. She is hopeful. So she wants someone to break out their phones and record her doing the routine or the CHOREOGRAPHY.

She does the routine flawlessly to her song, “Fantasy”.

Get it Joseline!

They all applaud, so now yawl have a video. So now kill it cause there is no more beef. She tells the girls bye as she leaves for the night and they stay back and practice.

Yummy P is being called out for being off beat but they all seem to me are struggling to learn the routine. Professional dancers are often technical and do dances to an 8 count, but none the less they say she is doing the dances wrong.

They all vow to keep practicing individually so they can be better at the group rehearsals. Yawl would want to, after all it is a dance competition.

Sigh.

Yummy P insinuates Lucky is letting her title go to her head….

The next day…..

Joseline goes to visit Ballistic alone in the studio and of course in one of her one of the kind outfits and beat face with fab hair.

You don’t think so? Quit hatin!

They are going over the lineup of songs for the show because he is planning the show with her input. They are a cute couple.

She fills him in on the goings on in the house. He makes fun of the way Joseline says, choreography. She had no idea she had been saying the word wrong this whole time?

Why didn’t any of the girls tell her? Why didn’t WE tell her? She is going to eff us ALL up.

Well we are dammed if we do and dammed if we don’t crazy lady. Stop it Joseline. I mean hell, they scared to cough, let alone criticize you.

He tells her the correct way to pronounce the word, lol. As for me, let me get my non fighting ass the heck on, because I’m not getting my ass whooped over no catch 22, that’s just plain crazy.

She tells Ballistic about taping the routine for the purpose of finally learning how to do it correctly despite her not having the patience to teach them. I mean she is that great so of course they should have it all down packed by now…and blah blah blah. She says to her boo some insight she figured about the girls….. you can learn how to dance but you can’t learn memory…..

Girl what?!!

She tells him that Aqua went home and filled him in on the trifling details of her fight with Big Lex. He plays it off like he doesn’t know everybody involved is a lunatic.

He indulges her with her b.s. and that’s why I like Ballistic Beats for Joseline. He just accepts her just like she is. And he recognizes her emotions and loves when she is in her delusion elements. He just nods like, “my baby is off her rocker” and he loves every bit of the shenanigans. Look at Joseline yawl, all feminine and soft.

Are you young tough acting girls paying attention? She got Ballistics’ nose wide open. He is hypnotized with her and aint trying to hear, see, or acknowledge the train wreck. He just absorbs the impact and keeps it moving.

Forget changing a man ladies, just get you one that will let you do it and dare anybody to say jack about it. We see you Joseline and we are happy for you. He makes her feel better after her rant. She says she is planning a “meet and greet” to draw interest in the show.

They will showcase the video for our jam, “Live your best life”, and of course twerking will be involved. He thinks it’s a great idea. He plays her one of her songs she raps along and dances for him in her own homegrown sexy way. Adorable….

Later there is a knock at the door and Joseline struts over to it looking amazing in her see through pants and beautiful wig full of curls. Who is it? Melissa from “Love and Hip Hop Atlanta”. Long time no see!

She and Joseline have remained friends after all these years and she is planning the upcoming event. She looks good and is always smiling like she always does. Same ole supportive Mellissa who is always able to keep Joseline in her zen. I like Mellissa she seems like cool people.

They catch up, Mellissa is mad Joseline has not done well keeping up with the friendship but they work it out, she updates her and gives her assurances about the upcoming “meet and greet”….blah blah Her event is in good hands with Mellissa, nice to see you loved one, now let’s move on.

The girls are on the way to the club in a van and excited. They can’t wait to shake their fat asses, lol. Finally. Before they get out the van, Lexi Blow reminds them to be on their best behavior. First of all, who died and made you Caberet Captian?

Second of all, who here is your child? I might have to rethink my position on Lexi Blow, but let me just wait and see. Lexi Blow, shut up cause you are not in charge of the girls, Lucky is remember? Cabaret Captian? The Bottom Bee herself? Remember her? Shut up.

They get to the club and a good time is had by all. They are partying with Joseline! They are in the V.I.P. and everybody is watching them and they are feeling themselves. Especially Lexi Blow. She is letting it all hang out, literally.

Yawl Bosstec is tore down drunk. Chanel is grateful for the chance to blow off some steam. Mz Natural didn’t want to go out, because wherever they go trouble follows especially, Big Lex, lol.

Bosstec is all on the mic, wilding….and White girl wasted. The drunker they get, the more skin that gets exposed and the wilder they get…..

Big Lex is in her confessional imitating the way Mz. Natural and Yummy P were dancing. The hilarity of it all! This girl is entertaining as hell. Good one Lex.

Bosstec is doing the most…..they all are so everybody is staring…..

Way to bond ladies….it was lit!

Did you catch the episode? I can’t wait to see what happens next week are you all excited to see what happens next? I am….Let’s support Joseline and show her and her show some love! Feel free to leave a comment and check me out next week for my recap of episode 6!

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References:

Joseline’s Cabaret Atlanta – Zeus (thezeusnetwork.com)

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